Apr 13
Coming soon…
Oct 19
Here is something most people probably don’t think about. Probably for good reason. Zombies don’t have blood flowing through their veins. I think we can all agree on this. They are dead. They are cold. Why would they need blood flowing through them?
Why am I talking about zombies and blood flow you may ask? I just watched a movie called Zombie Honeymoon because I will watch just about anything with “zombie” in the title. It starts with a newlywed couple on their honeymoon. The husband gets attacked by a zombie and turns into one.
So what you are asking. After he comes home from the hospital he is apparently “ok” but we, the audience, know better. We know he’s a zombie. He’s not a normal zombie, but is self-aware that he is a zombie and retains his cognitive ability.
That’s not really important. What is important is that he and his wife have sex. This is after he has become a zombie. I call horseshit! He’s a zombie, he has no blood flow. No blood flow, no rising to the occasion.
We need to add this to the list of things we know about zombies. They cannot get an erection. They are impotent. Maybe that’s why they are so pissed off all the time.
Aug 17
I feel some clarification is necessary. My last post about being passionate was perhaps a little confusing at the end. Some people read it to mean I was literally passionate about shit. While I’m sure there are those out there for whom scat holds a certain passion in their heart, I am not one of them.
Someone has to like poop, not that there’s anything wrong with that. I just don’t happen to be that person. Well, aside from the book Everyone Poops. That’s some good stuff. I wouldn’t say I’m passionate about it though. I mean, it’s still crap.
I like to take a more hands off approach to shit. Hands on is really just gross. God invented toilet paper for a reason. Maybe some crazy, Japanese, scat fetish person can do the hands on approach. The world needs ditch diggers too. Zombies though, man. That’s the shit (figure of speech, not real fecal matter).
I will admit “the plan” can’t predict everything. What do we really know about zombies anyway? We know they’re some badass shit. Biblical and all that.
Matthew 27: 51-53:
At that moment the curtain in the Temple was torn in two, from top to bottom. The earth shook, rocks split apart, and tombs opened. The bodies of many godly men and women who had died were raised from the dead after Jesus’ resurrection. They left the cemetery, went into the holy city of Jerusalem, and appeared to many people
Doesn’t sound too scary on its own, does it? But I don’t trust it. They’ve been dead for a while. Based on what movies have taught me, I know those zombies aren’t just going to get up out of their graves and chill out. They are going to want brains. Fuck of a bunch of zombies who want to eat my brains. It also says right there they are going to the cities. That’s why it’s an important part of the plan not to stay in the cities. Move to a less populated area, small towns, the country, Montana.
Revelation 20: 13-14:
And the sea gave up the dead which were in it; and death and hell delivered up the dead which were in them: and they were judged every man according to their works. And death and hell were cast into the lake of fire.
More zombies. Zombies on fire even! Even if they don’t want my brains, they are going to be on fire. You hear that? Fire. Now we’re talking biological weapons. I have to imagine a burning zombie is like walking napalm. One little rub up against me and it’s like being covered in a gooey, fiery sludge. You won’t be able to wipe that off. Wiping will just spread it around, burning you all over. Stop drop and roll? Forget it, all you’ll do is smear it around your body as well as lighting the ground on fire.
Now that I think about it, the plan may need a fire extinguisher. But would that really be effective against zombie napalm? I kind of think it wouldn’t. A good, fireproof blanket would probably be good. Smother the fire, that should do it.
We know zombies are going to go towards cities. We know they are going to be on fire. I don’t know about you, but that’s some shit I do not want to deal with face to face.
We can be pretty sure they are going to eat brains. Can you think of any reason why they wouldn’t? What else would a dead person want? I’m pretty convinced it starts with the brain. They may move on to the liver and lungs and whatnot later, but it hardly matters after your brain is gone, now does it?
This is making me wonder, since zombies eat, do they poop? Everyone poops. If so, will their poop be on fire? Will there be little “presents” left for the living wherever zombies have walked? Little, flaming presents. Driving over it, or even animals stepping in it, tracking it around. Think of the problems that will cause. Buildings burning down, forest fires, teenagers playing the flaming bag of poo joke without the bag.
Maybe I’m not passionate about shit, but I think it’s worth being a little pasionate about zombie shit.
Think about it. That’s all I’m saying.
Aug 17
Sometimes people ask what you are passionate about. If you’ve ever been on a bad date or a bad job interview (aren’t those pretty much the same thing?) then you’ve heard the question, “what are you passionate about?” This is something I’ve given some thought.
It’s important to be passionate about something. But why be passionate about the big things? Don’t you think enough people are passionate about hunger, war, global warming? I think people should be more passionate about the little things, like washing the dishes, taking naps, using their blinkers on a regular basis.
Like I said, I’ve given this some serious thought. So what am I passionate about? Zombies. I mean really, who isn’t passionate about zombies? Really, just about everyone should be passionate about zombies. If you aren’t passionate then you will be eaten, likely become a zombie, and become a burden on the rest of us who are passionate about zombies. Don’t be a selfish asshole.
Zombies are a lot like cats I think. Cats lie in wait, just waiting for the perfect opportunity to take over the world. I’m pretty sure they’re going to do it while we sleep. For you cat owners out there, how often does your cat try to sleep next to your head? How much further does that cat have to move to smother you? Conniving little bastards is what they are. Zombies are similar, just waiting for the right time to start eating our brains. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think zombies are as smart as cats, but I do think they will try to kill us while we sleep. That’s why more people should be passionate about them. The last thing you want is to wake up to your brains being eaten.
Maybe passionate isn’t the right word here, but it’s important to have a zombie plan. If you don’t then how will you know what to do with yourself when the zombies attack? Prepared, that’s really the word I’m looking for. I am passionate about being prepared in case of a zombie attack. One can’t put enough thought into “the plan.”
“The plan” is pretty universal. It covers zombies, aliens, the Chinese landing on mainland America. It’s a good general “oh shit” plan. The zombies are coming, “Oh shit!” The aliens have landed, “Oh shit!” The Chinese are invading, “Oh shit!”
I guess what I’m really trying to say is to be passionate and prepared for shit. I am prepared for shit. I am passionate about shit.